I watched my son walk across the stage and earn his high school diploma. I know, I know, this is something all high school students work towards and all Mom's wait for. But when you see it happen, it's just pure magic. The sense of pride you feel is overwhelming. And then it's over. And you begin to look around and try to figure out where you go to next. What is the next chapter for this tired old Mom?
I'm finding that navigating the waters of this new season in my life is a little more challenging than I had originally thought it would be. I've shared with friends and have come to realize that most Moms go through this rite of passage but it's just hard. Harder than I figured it would be. I'm a joyful person and this new season, I'm finding it difficult to be joyful at times.
I find myself spending more time alone than I have since I was single and in my 20's. It's strange. It's weird. It's the new season I find myself in. And unfortunately, all this new found time alone has lead to one thing, me analyzing everything in my life. Am I a good Mom? Did I do a good job raising my young man to be a good young man? Am I a good wife? Am I supportive enough for my family? Do I handle the family budget in a way that honors the hard work my husband does? Do I do enough around the house to show my worth? I spin my wheels off the rails almost daily. It's nerve wracking!
And then I am reminded by my husband that all this time I now have is a blessing. I should be using it to glorify God. I should be thanking God that I have this time to just "be". I've been a busy Mom for 18 years....it's time for the next chapter.So what does that look like? What will I do? I'm still very active in BSF but that doesn't get started until late August. Until then, I can't sit and twiddle my thumbs all day. What do I do?
I feel a strong desire to "do" something. And since I don't know what that "something" is just yet, I'm sitting and waiting for God to show me. It's not easy. I want to force a work at home career. I want to start something new in this new season to shift my focus. But God knows what He desires for me. God knows where I need to be. And maybe, just maybe I am where he wants me right now. Just because I feel I need to start a new career or be a part of something doesn't mean that's what God wants for me.
I can remember when we moved to Minnesota. I was so excited to jump right back into leadership with my new BSF class. I met with the Teaching Leader. We discussed various options for me to jump in and start....and then nothing. Dead air. I waited for over a month to hear where my leadership role would be. I fretted and worried that I wasn't wanted in leadership. And when I finally gave in and said to God, okay, if you want me just as a class member, I will do that and do it with joy, only after being content in the moment did God open the doors to leadership. It was timing only God could have orchestrated.
Maybe this new season is one of those moments. Maybe this is my time to just be content. Maybe it's my time to enjoy these new set of "firsts" for Matthew. Our first tuition payment to MTSU. (insert a sigh here as I see our savings account crying) Our first class schedule confirmation and the excitement on Matthew's face that he got the schedule he wanted. Our first round of researching and ordering textbooks. And as I type this, the first textbook has been delivered to our front door. The first box has been delivered with what holds a part of my son's future dreams. Five more boxes to collect...and then he starts his journey to follow his dreams and achieve his goals..... And I get to be part of this journey. One word comes to mind as we check off all these lists before classes start...BLESSED.
Maybe God is trying to show me to not force life. I always try to be one step ahead but maybe I'm supposed to lag behind. Maybe this time, I'm not supposed to sprint to the finish line but rather stroll along this path with excitement, anticipation and joy for my Matthew's future. Letting joy rule in my heart and not fear or anxiety of what's to become of me.
I'm a work in progress. Always seem to be and always will be. I want for me and my family what God wants for us. I will make it through this emotional time of change. I will keep my eyes focused on God and trusting Him through it all.
It may be quiet now but in just a few short weeks, I'm gonna be jumping from BSF to the launch of our new church, People of Hope, and cheer leading as my son steps onto the campus of MTSU as a college freshman.
Every moment is an opportunity to look up at God and say praises be! God is right here with me through all this new stuff. More importantly, God is right there with Matthew through this new season.
God commands us to, give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Every new season we walk has a purpose, a lesson. Every new season is an opportunity to see God in our lives. I need not worry about tomorrow, for God has already taken care of it. I need not worry about the future, for God is already there. What I need to do is stop and thank God for the many blessings and opportunities He has blessed me with and then shout for joy in this new season. But as I said, I'm a work in progress and so happy that God is so patient and loving....
The Lord has done it this very day;
let us rejoice today and be glad. Psalms 118:24
I love you, my friend, and am so blessed by your words! Just be!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you too!
Delete