Next month, October 1 to be exact, will be 3 years since I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Since that diagnosis I have had fear, struggles, failures, weight loss, weight gain, weight loss again. I've had days where I wanted to give up and I ate that donut. I've had days where I felt I had managed my eating all day only to find out when I tested, my blood sugar was off the charts. It's not easy. It's a daily choice to eat right, watch your portion control, manage your carb counts and exercise. And the last 2 weeks have not been about control. To be perfectly honest, this summer has not been about control.
So I'm posting my failure for the last several months for others to see. I'm sharing my frustration for my brother, Christopher, to know it's ok to get frustrated. It's ok to not feel like you have control because I don't always. To be completely honest, more often than not, I do not feel like I have control.
It's a day to day constant battle. I hate it. I wish I'd never been diagnosed. Some days, I just want that cookie the size of Texas. And as I sit here with an extra 5 lbs...I'm forcing myself to go back to writing all my food choices down so that I can once again take control of this horrible disease.
I can remember when I was diagnosed the fear that took hold. All I could picture was needles. I didn't want that life. I didn't want to be tied to medication. And yet, I knew the odds were in my favor when both my parents and my grandmother were diagnosed years ago. It's hard coming to grips with the reality that you probably will inherit a disease just because your parents have. Yes, I was over weight. Yes, I weighed in at a whopping 198 pounds when I was diagnosed but NO it was NOT because I was fat that I got diabetes. That's a horrible myth. So let's squash that right now! You don't get diabetes because you are fat...it doesn't help but it's not the reason.
Three years later and I'm much healthier. I have lost over 40 pounds. That in itself is amazing but just because I lost all that weight doesn't make the disease go away. It doesn't make it easier to deal with. I am beating myself up over 5 stinking pounds! But those 5 pounds cause my blood sugar numbers to vary more than I want. Those 5 pounds remind me that I have lost control.
So what do I do about it? I pray. Above all. I pray. I pray to my Father in heaven to stir a new passion for taking control of my diabetes. And then I trust Him. And while I am trusting Him, I go back to square one and start all over again because that's the only way to gain control back from this horrible disease. I go back to checking my portions. I go back to documenting my carbs at each meal and at each snack. I go back to eating on a regular schedule. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, protein snack. I go back to what I learned 3 years ago when I first met with my diabetic team. And then I make sure that I am exercising everyday! Not just when I feel like it. Not just when I'm motivated. But I force myself to move everyday. No more being a slug days in this house. Lazy days are over.
Everyday I wish I didn't have this battle. I hate taking my medication. I hate sticking my finger. I hate that my body doesn't do what God created it to do on it's own. I hate that I am tied to this wagon for the rest of my life. BUT, I refuse to allow this disease to win. It won't win. I am in control and God is with me.
There has been a lot going on the last several months. Matthew's graduation. Chris' job has been crazy and he's been working 7 days a week. Matthew starting college. BSF kicking off with 3 satellite locations that I'm helping with. It's been a lot of stress, anxiety, frustration and changes. But unfortunately, diabetes doesn't stop or slow down just because your life is stressed. Instead, you get wonky blood sugar readings. You ride the roller coaster of highs and lows. Due to the stress and anxiety, you never really level out with normal sugars.
So today I say to that abnormality in my numbers, get thee behind me! No More! I, Jennifer, am taking back control. I, Jennifer, am trusting God with my food choices. I am claiming in Jesus name that I will get back on track. No more high blood sugars and feeling like crud. No more guessing at the portion size and overeating. No more. Today is a new day. I've got my notebook open for my food logging to begin. I've got my shorts on and the dog waiting for that walk. I've got a treadmill upstairs that needs to be dusted off.
It's gonna take a little time to lose those few pounds. It's gonna take a little time to get my blood sugar readings back where they were but I will do it. I'm an Evoy and a Johnson. We don't give up. We don't back down. We persevere. We commit. We win the battle. Most importantly, we trust God through it all!
God gives his biggest battles to his strongest warriors. Instead of being upset and frustrated, I need to thank God that he sees me strong enough to handle this disease and praise Him for walking with me everyday as I fight this battle head on everyday.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. Ephesians 6:10-11
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