Every year I am amazed at just how fast the days fly by and I always tend to spend a few days in December with an extra cup of coffee and my memories. It looks like today is that day. I'm still in my PJ's, animals are snoozing around my feet and that cup of coffee is sitting next to the computer.
As I sit here looking out the window, I can feel the year wash over me. Every year is full of moments. Some that we are excited about and others we wish we could just forget. But every moment is known to God. There isn't a moment that has happened over this entire year that God did not already know was going to happen. That's one of the true blessings in loving our Father in heaven, he never gets surprised. We may, but never him.
This year started out rough. If I could go back to January and sit in the kitchen with my Gramma again you better believe I would jump at that chance. I miss her so much. I wish I had taken the time to have created more moments with her when I was with her. I wish I had spent a few more days with her in January when I went up to help her move. But instead, I was on Jennifer's agenda and pushed through the days, as difficult as they were, and came home instead of staying put just a few days longer. And then she took a turn and just never bounced back. As irony as she was, she was so strong and a fighter but I knew, deep in the caverns of my heart, she was tired of fighting and was ready to feel better. I get it. And while I am overjoyed that she is home and whole and with my Grampa, I still miss her, and him, here on earth with me. Things have happened this year that I wish with all my being that she could have been a part of. But truthfully, she was. Leave it to my Gramma to leave this world on the sweetest day, Valentines Day. I would imagine she came into this world with a bang and she left it just the same. My heart still aches remembering the very last message I gave her while she was in hospice. All I wanted was to be there and tell her in person that I loved her so much. That she had taught me so much. That she truly was a special lady and I have been blessed to be her oldest and first grandchild. But I was frozen in fear of saying that goodbye in person so it was on the phone. And that final goodbye at the funeral home dropped me to my knees. She is gone. Her home is now full with a new family and new life. And I'm here just missing the heck outta that lady. But there are moments when I think about what she would say as my life has continued throughout the year and I am reminded that she would tell me to "put my big girl panties on as this too shall pass". And it will. This hurt will pass and heal and the memories will carry me through until I can hug them both again.
So then we flash forward to this past summer. God knew when he joined me with Chris that we had something special together. I can remember praying so hard for the right man. And Chris walked into my life. Now mind you, marriage isn't easy and ours is always a work in progress. But together, we work. We are a team and our family is just that, our family. As most of you know, Matthew is from my first marriage. What I consider a failed attempt but God used it for good. Just as he always does and he tells us in Romans 8:28.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Whether good or bad, God works out all things for our good. I'm living proof right here. God took a broken relationship and turned it into something magical. I never thought the day would come when Matthew would step out and ask Chris to adopt him but it happened this past Father's Day. Matthew asked Chris to adopt him and it happened. I have a blog post all about how God takes the ugly and makes it beautiful. It's amazing to know that the man that I chose for my partner for life is the man my son desires as his father. Matthew decided since he was an adult, it was time to make this decision and I am so proud of him. God put Chris and I together for just this celebration and it warms my heart to know that we are officially all Evoy's. God is good ya'll. God is good.
And then we lost our Blaze. It was horrific. Standing there watching out kitty suffer and knowing there was absolutely nothing we could do to help or to stop the pain. We got Blaze when we lived in Virginia and she has been a part of our family for 11 years. She made every move with us as a family. She was my snuggle buddy when Chris was working or out of town.
She was a comforter when any of us were upset and she was our watch cat every night keeping us safe. Bless her heart she was a good kitty. I told Matthew that I imagine Blaze walking across that rainbow bridge and Red Dog and Bacardi sitting there thinking, oh crud, she's back. Blaze took no shenanigans from anybody, including our dogs. And when we brought Sierra home in 2016, she got her in line very quickly. Blaze was a sweet girl and I miss her but God is good and faithful and knew that our home needed another kitty. So after lots of tears and hurts, God pointed us to our new fur baby, Ember.
She's named Ember for a few reasons. One, she's more of a buff orange, not a bright orange like Blaze. Two, she's not Blaze, she's not ever going to be Blaze so she is Ember, she's like Blaze only different. And Ember has taken to our family. She even has Chris loving on her. She can handle her own with Sierra and man she is a snuggler which is exactly what our family needed after our loss. There is nothing sweeter than the sweet purr of a fur baby lulling you to sleep. God knew what we needed and brought us to Ember, our little Alabama girl.
And so that brings us to now. Tides are changing and time keeps evolving. I can't stop it. Matthew is growing up and will be 20 soon. Oh my how that blows my mind. I can't possibly be the Mom to a 20 year old and yet here I am, trying to navigate the waters. I don't feel so much like I'm swimming elegantly through those waters, more like a dog paddle upstream with waves crashing on all sides. But God has Matthew and I in his hand. We can't be plucked, ever. I'm learning to pray for Matthew as my adult son. I'm learning to let go and let God fill him. I'm learning to trust God with him and to not let Jennifer get in the way. God works best when we allow him to do what he needs to do. Sometimes that is tough love. Sometimes that is heartache. Sometimes that is living through the circumstances of a bad choice. But as I've already said, God uses all things for the good of his children and for his glory. And while I know Matthew has drifted away from the Lord right now, he will be called back. He has Jesus in his heart and nothing can ever change that. God knows where Matthew is. God knows Matthew's fears. God loves Matthew so much more than I ever could. And so I have to trust God with him. I have to pray for Matthew to be infused with the Holy Spirit so deeply that he opens his eyes to God. And it will happen in God's time and in His ways. And when that day comes, you will hear this Momma rejoicing in Jesus' Name!
Another year is almost gone. Another year of ups and downs. This roller coaster of life can be difficult. I couldn't imagine living life without God at the center of it. Without God at the helm of this crazy Jennifer ship, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the year. I know my path isn't paved with rose petals but I am assured that God is the light upon the path. God never said life would be full of roses, alas, there will be some thorns along the way. But oh the sweetness when you can look back and see the glory of God in it all. Oh the power when you can see God's handiwork.
May you see glimpses of God as you look back upon your year. May you forever be reminded of how good he is to his children and just how much he loves each of us. I pray that you will be filled with the Holy Spirit this Christmas season and walk into 2020 full of anticipation on what God has yet to come for each of us. Praises and Blessings to you and yours....
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