Goodbyes are Hard....but we will meet again...

I can still remember getting the call about my Grampa.  I was driving home from taking Matthew to school and my Dad told me to get home, fix a cup of coffee and give him a call right back.  I knew.  Before I even hung up the phone, I knew Grampa was gone.  And before I even had a chance to process this loss, we got the phone call that my mother in law was declining.  Twenty four hours later, she was gone as well. 

Two big losses in a short period of time and yet, I feel like I handled those so much better than this loss.  Maybe it's because my Gramma was still here to hold my hand through it all.  Maybe it's because she was strong for all of us.  I still remember her hugging me (even though I didn't want to be touched) in the funeral home and me telling her, you can't leave me.  And now, she has.

Grampa passed away in January 2012.  According to all the doctors, he should have been gone in October of 2011 but God covered him.  Instead of having tremendous pain, he just slowly declined.  And over the seven years that Grampa has been gone, I've looked differently at my Grandmother.  Oh the strength she had.  I can remember the first visit back after we said goodbye to Grampa and she shared with me that she was so angry.  Now she had to prep the coffee maker every night. She had to be the one to take out the trash.  All the jobs he used to handle now fell to her and she was just downright angry with my Grampa.  But in the same breath that she hollered at him, she also exuded such strength and courage.

My Gramma was a woman of such strength.  You never saw her cry, she saved that for the shower by herself.  In a crisis, she had control.  She never wilted under pressure.  She never let us see her sweat.

I never really realized the many layers of my Grandmother until I started spending time with her as an adult.  She would always say, "I'm spending Robert's money", and then she would tell me to book her a flight to come visit.  She visited every place we've ever lived.  And during her visits, I would have the luxury of spending one on one time with her.  I thought the stories my Grampa shared were a hoot, well, Gramma's were just as fun.

We would never do anything exciting on her visits but we were together.  I will miss her poking around antique stores with me the most.  Sure my mom enjoys going on her visits and Chris will go poke around with me but there is nothing like Gramma tagging along.  She was able to tell me stories about the different things we would find.  She was able to tell me what some of the items were used for.  She just knew all this stuff.  And the amount of stuff stuffed inside her brain was massive.  I wish I had taken the time to write it all down. 

I would love our morning coffee time.  We'd sit and just chat.  Sometimes we would chat about things in the family.  Sometimes she would share stories from earlier generations.  Sometimes we would just sit quietly together.  I will miss those moments. 

Gramma stayed busy after Grampa passed.  She stayed active in her church and her fellowship groups.  I feel so blessed to have met a few of these women after we buried Gramma.  I immediately felt at home with each of them.  And my heart was truly warmed when they said I was a little version of Lavern.  How flattering.  That's what I want to carry on for her.  I want to be a little bit like Lavern.  I want to have her strength, her determination, her ability to work through anything through prayer and trusting God. 

And so, as I begin this new normal without her a phone call away.  As I begin living my life knowing I will never sleep in her house again.  Knowing I will never be able to just sit and enjoy coffee with her again.  Knowing that she's not coming to visit and poke around antique stores with me again, I'm saddened but, I know my Grandmother would not accept tears.  She would want me to keep my chin up, my shoulders held high, my eyes to Jesus and a smile on my face because that's what she taught me.

There will be moments in life that I want to share with her and I can, just in a different way.  There will be times when I just need an answer and I'll have to summon my inner Lavern to figure it out just as I do with things I've wished my Grampa was here for.  There will be moments that I wish she could be on the sideline for and she will be, in my heart.  And then the day will come when I will hug her and Grampa again and they will say, "Well hi there sweetie". 

This loss is harder for me than I anticipated.  I'm struggling with the emotions and just trying to hold it all together.  I didn't anticipate this struggle and I'm working everyday to keep my eyes on Jesus to walk me through.  As my Grandmother told us at the closing of her service...

When I am gone, just release me, let me go-

so I can move into my afterglow.

You mustin't tie me down with tears; let's be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love, you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness.

I thank you for the love you each have shown, but now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve for me awhile, if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted with trust.

It's only for a while that we must part, so bless the memories within your heart.

And then, when you must come this way alone, I'll greet you with a smile and a,

"Welcome Home".

Gramma would not want tears.  She would want me to step out into life and carry on.  She would want me to share the stories with my loved ones.  She would expect me to be brave.  Oh how I want to make her proud.  She made me so proud so many times with her bravery.  When she said goodbye to Grampa. The way she carried on with life without him for so many years.  When she chose to move into assisted living and leave her home.  When she chose to let go and let God welcome her to her heavenly home.  I will always be proud of my Gramma and her strength and bravery.  I will keep each and every memory tucked away in my heart.  And when I need her, I will feel her with me.  And when I'm not feeling strong enough, she will send me a bit of her strength.  And when I'm not brave enough, she will remind me through a whisper in my heart to put on the full armor of God. 

Life will be different but it will be ok.  For one day, she will greet me with a smile and a welcome home....oh what a homecoming that'll be in heaven.  Oh, I can't even imagine the homecoming she and Grampa had when she walked through the gates.  I can picture his smile and the twinkle in his eye.  His best friend was reunited with him again.  And that is the picture I will carry in my heart for always...they are together again.  Praise the Lord!